First of all, Happy Easter. (Belated! It's 12:50am on Monday morning. Easter ended almost a hour ago).
I feel bad.
I've gone into this quiet mood where I just don't want to talk. This is the second time I've gone into this mood since I've been in Melbourne. I can see it makes Jen worried. It's not her fault, honestly. I just withdraw into myself. I DO want to talk about it, I just don't have the words to. I just had a 2 or 3 minute crying session in Jen's room then came out, acted like nothing happened. I don't mean to be like this but I just can't help it. Sometimes...it feels like I can't talk for too long without my throat...knotting up and my eyes starting to water. I don't know why that is...
Jen said earlier tonight that I've been keeping things relatively light ever since I arrived, I haven't really talked about anything that's been bothering me or anything like that.
It's weird though, I came to Melbourne for a holiday, for a break from Sydney...yet I find myself talking with Sydney people..wondering how work's going and wondering what I missed at TAFE.... So much for leaving it behind...
I haven't had a bad time down here, quite the contrary actually. I've loved being able to relax..I even saw some people...Jen, David, Carolyn, Chantelle, Lissa, Ben, Amy and everybody else at Mela's last night. I've wandered around the markets, I've eaten out and done a variety of things. It's been a really good break but I find myself... thinking about Sydney.
I feel bad.
When I think about it, I don't know if I have anything wrong with me. I can't seem to point out issues that are bothering me.I just know I want to break down and cry and just....I don't know..
When I don't wanna talk- I basically go in shut-down. I have one word responses... I focus on something stupid like.. the other day at Subway..I focused on their 'maps' of New York on the wall... today, on television...It had football...and anyone that knows me..knows I hate football....or I just focus on the computer. I'm worried that 'shutting down' is going to become a habit.
I want to talk about things but...what is there to talk about? I don't know why I'm feeling the way I am.
I do appreciate Jen's hospitality and I hope I'm not driving her nuts.
She says it's fine but I can tell that it isn't.
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